Recover we

I had a full decade of sobriety from all that ailed me when I was in ministry during my twenties. As was the requirement to have good standing in Churchianity, sex, drugs and rock and roll were eliminated. I lived like a damn monk during the hottest years of my life, I hid myself away. It was safer that way until it wasn’t.

My mind was of course clearer without drugs. My focus on living with a purpose beyond the hunt for or hounding off of, a boyfriend was a beneficial change. The culture and personalities surrounding my taste in music at the time, seemed essential to eliminate as it fed into the other two other vices.

It worked for a decade. I cut myself off from my old life, my former self. There wasn’t much of a life or self to cut off. I built a solid work ethic. Well it was really people pleasing now that I think about it…

But I did develop wisdom during those years I hid away with the small seed of hope I had left. I nurtured it with intention and valiant effort. I did everything I knew to do to stay in good standing with my bosses, the pastors. I then married to start my own family. I thought I had what it took to be a good wife. Becoming a mother was my dream. Not becoming like my own mother, the one who qualified me as an ACOA, was my goal.

I remember when I first realized that Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). meant adults who were like children. I always thought it just referred to adults who had been raised in alcoholic homes, which it does. But the real kicker is that children who grow up in alcoholic homes think they are mature. I remember hearing that maturity comes with responsibility. But children who are forced to act like adults are robbed of the healthy emotional development. They learn to be responsible for other people without ever actually knowing and taking ownership of their own life. It wasn’t an option.

During a time when kids should be discovering what their unique tastes are, forming and forging out with their own identity, their reality was never separate from the narcissistic needs of the addict.

I used to describe it as feeling as if I had a limb that hadn’t grown properly. I had adjusted well to it, but it was still obvious to anyone who saw. “Something’s wrong with her,” they might say. Still, they couldn’t quite figure it out, the overcompensating efforts confusing and convincing them that I was an actual functioning adult.

Below I’ve left you some Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) tools. I want to tell you about one that I am putting into practice right now. Dialectical Thinking – allowing opposite thoughts to co-exist. For example the “all or nothing” thinking is me as an adult – needing to lead or parent if you will, the childish parts of my psyche across the bridge to maturity.

DBT teaches us to slow down enough to know what we are actually thinking. To be able to trace a thought back. It’s the same way we talk to or teach children who are having “big feelings.” We help them to understand and identify their feelings, to be informed by them. It is reparenting the language of our traumatized stuck child, so we can continue the journey integrated. No parts left behind.

It takes diligent work to grow up this late in life. I’ve regressed a bit in my emotional sobriety in the last few weeks for a variety of reasons. My daughter is graduating from college being one. The hard work paid off. I was able to be a present for her. I had learned enough, practiced enough, had enough emotional reserves in store to give it to the person who mattered most in the moment.

We had a powerful experience working together ONLY because of the work I have done in the last eight months. I could show up for her because had first taken my sobriety to another level, which means I gave up being California sober. I sought more support for my depression which lays just under the weed.

As a result, I had a long enough time of clarity to face some VERY HARD boundary issues. Delusions became impossible to maintain with the new sober truths I was faced about people, places, and things. Simultaneously, I was presented with multiple tests from the universe, people who were wooing me with opportunities to save them. I literally had someone calling me their guardian angel. No. No. No. No No. I am not an angel. And certainly not this person who I’d only met 2 weeks before. Her survival instinct was screaming at me to save her. I could feel my unresolved trauma pulling me to the familiar route I have been detoured on a thousand times. Me “rescuing” people in an attempt to heal a part of myself. As an act of compassion? Sure. But also codependency.

It doesn’t work. It only delays the growing up of that part.

I deduced my codependency down to this; If I am taking on something for someone else that I haven’t done for myself – that’s my codependency. That is me interloping sometimes, into someone else’s crisis to avoid my own chaos.

Anyway, I had all of this practice with setting boundaries over the last 8 months. If I hadn’t done the work then, I wouldn’t have been available when my daughter asked for my help.

While the recent crisis’ was weathered, with more wisdom, maturity and grace on both of our parts than ever before, there were obvious areas I need of retrain in.

Someone said to me the other day, not about my daughter, someone else,

“I couldn’t believe they spoke to you that way and were so dismissive.”

Honestly I didn’t even know what they were talking about, until I did. I still have a lot of stuff to work through like not registering disrespect because I’m so used to it.

I figured while I’m brushing up on my own skills, I would share them with you. Like the previous post about Cognitive Distortions, pace yourself. Take them slow.

Recovery is simple but not easy. Elementary, but requiring great focus and concentration. You tackle it one new skill at a time adapting with the learned responses to the point it becomes nearly default. I’ve come a long way – with a longer way to go with less time to get there.

So here we go. Use these cards please. They are gold. Print time out or whatever you’re legally allowed to do. Try a couple out. You have nothing to lose. It’s wisdom. It’s not gospel – it’s not rigid. They are ideas on how we can view the world in a more effective and purposeful way.

Let me know if any of this was helpful to you or if you think it’s all bullshit. Or if you’re having a hard time right now? I’m here, working on my own stuff, trying to get better myself. Let me know if I can help. I’ll see you soon.